Lost Voyage to Self

Recently (last week) I was told that I was a contradiction. Someone said to me that she doesn't understand how I can point out everyone's faults without understanding my own. Now please understand that I was sick last week, so clarity nonexistent at this point. So was this a good day for me to look back on the last 21 years of my life and pinpoint where I lost my motivation?!? Not at all. However, the person speaking to me was older than me. And growing up with my values, I respected her and what she was saying. But it was a one-sided conversation...whatevs.

But after having her damn near yell at me, from a place of love (all sarcasm aside), I was able to reflect on myself a little this morning. And although I haven't come to a complete solution, here is what I have realized.

I have been conditioned since I was young, to put on fronts as if everything was okay. I grew up without my father in my life for reasons that I prefer not to publicly broadcast. {If I know you well enough and feel comfortable telling you, ask me, and we can talk about it} Nonetheless, he has been out of my life since I was two years old. When I was young, I never really thought too much of it and the phone calls and occasional visits sufficed. But now that I'm 21, I never realized how growing up without him has scarred me until now. Now I see the ramifications it has taken on my soul, my personal relationships, and even how I react daily.

People can go through life and pretend that growing up in a single parent home was cool and that they turned out fine. But who's to say that the inner turmoil they experience doesn't cause some type of havoc on their mental stability. I'm not saying that people go crazy, but there are always those what if moments where you wonder if things would have been different if growing up with both parents would have produced a different outcome.

My story growing up was the same: My dad is in Nigeria. Plain and simple, no need for anyone to ask anymore questions. But people are nosy, so usually the follow up question was "what is he doing". And me being so young, I would shrug my shoulders and respond with whatever came to my head first, "he working" "helping out the family". It wasn't until I was in junior high where I really understood the story behind my father's absence.

Does this have anything to do with me being a contradiction? Of course not!! Because if you want my opinion, we are all walking contradictions. Hell...if you look on the about me section on my facebook, I say that I'm a walking contradiction. So congratulations on pointing out something that I already knew about myself (all sarcasm included). But this situation in my life and my conversation with ________ caused me to realize why I act like everything is okay with me when it isn't. I wouldn't see it as a contradiction, rather it is a mental block to dealing with problems that I have. And if you think about it, its easy for people to point out the faults with others rather than to internalize and deal with their own faults. Do we know our own flaws? Most of us do. What do we do about it? Point them out in other people, see how they deal with it, then try it and see if it will work for us.

I thought I knew who I was, but somewhere in my voyage to myself, I got lost. Maybe its when I changed my post grad plans and was scared to tell my family that what I once had a passion for was gone. Maybe its when I fell on academic difficulty and no longer felt passion for being in school. Maybe its when I realized that I'm scared of relationships because the only relationship I have experienced is the love a mother has for her child. So its no wonder that I have problems being insecure when it comes to romantic relationships and I just don't know what to do or how to act...lol. So who knows where I got lost on finding a better version of myself. But I'm on a mission to figure it out and who knows...maybe I'll find myself on the way.