If you didn't know...let me break it down for you

I AM COMPLICATED AND STUBBORN. The sooner you realize this, the easier I am to deal with. The way I process information is different than most people. If I could properly articulate through writing, I would. But I can't, so I dare not try. The way I deal with situations is different. This I can explain.

As much as I try to deal with issues, I tend to harbor my emotions. I keep them bottled in. Yes I am passive aggressive and the first step to recovery is acknowledgment. So I'm working on it. But I digress. As much as I try to express what I'm feeling when I feel it, I find it easier to internally deal with the issues that I have with other people. Granted I may not talk to you. And when you do attempt to engage me in conversation, I tend to be very short. I keep my answers short, and plaster on a fake smile. But in my mind, I feel that eventually, I will get over it.

The problem comes when people want to make mountains out of mole hills. If I haven't addressed you about anything, chances are the situation is small. Now here comes the conundrum. Smaller issues tend to upset me more than bigger ones. I had a conversation with a couple of people and the conclusion has been the same. I think that getting upset over smaller problems upsets me more because of how small the problem is. And to make it worse, I know that the issue is small and sometimes I allow it to spiral and become this huge problem.

Nonetheless, people tend to have sudden bursts of boldness when they realize something is off. What's even funnier is that these bursts of boldness happen either over the phone or on aim...{laughing to myself}. I'm waiting for the email confrontation...that'll be the day. LOL!! But people have gotten bold with me over Facebook, Myspace, AIM, and over the phone. The phone for me is the last resort. But the first three tend to be the most interesting. I say this because everything can be misinterpreted. And the more people utilize these forms of technology to hash out issues, the more relationships you're going to ruin. So my disclaimer is that if you want to talk to me about something, let's sit down face to face and deal with it. Most people are scared of that face to face contact which is why they resort to these forms of technology to talk. Here's why I disagree with the phone but will tolerate it. The difference between using the phone and the other aforementioned forms of technology is that true emotions can't be denied...almost. You can still fake it over the phone. And going back to the basics of communication, 90% of all communication is non-verbal, which is why the face to face is so much better. So as a note for all of you who read this, if I start acting different around you...there just may be a reason why. If you want to find out and you don't ask me in person, chances are you're not going to get a straight answer from me.

I know I'm stubborn. Its not where I want to be but I've accepted the fact and am trying to work on it. I know I'm complicated. I see things differently than most people. I deal with things a lot different than most people. And no I'm not going to try and see it your way. No...I don't care how you act in situations and that I should know that by now. I could give a good damn when you say "You should know me better than that." Whether you had mal intent or not, the fact still remains that there was damage done. I can tell you how I feel but its up to you on how you deal with it. I can't change you no more than you can change me. I have acknowledged my flaws and am doing what I can to change that. I can accept being wrong. I can accept the criticism that is constantly thrown my way...its difficult but I deal with it. Here's the million dollar question: Can you?

Chris Brown or Rihanna: who is the real victim?

I was at my mom's house watching the Oprah episode that she recorded on domestic violence. Oprah decided to discuss domestic violence with teenagers who go or know someone who has experienced violence after the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident broke. The show feature Tyra Banks who interviewed both of them on her show and received background information on what their household life was like growing up.

Rihanna admitted to Tyra that growing up, she would experience migraines when her parents would argue. Her father was verbally abusive to her mother. And when her parents divorced, her migraines went away. In the case of Chris Brown, a male acquaintance of his mother would verbally and physically abouse his mother. This was a traumatic experience for him from the age of seven to thirteen. (a little background: lets understand that in the case of both these CHILDREN, they were scarred at an age where memories and habits take a subconscious seat. And no matter how much you say "that can never be me" when put into a similar situation, you revert back to these memories and respond in a manner that is familiar)

Who is the real victim?: They both are victims in this situation. I want to go on record saying that I in no way condone domestic violence. I think it is wrong for a man or WOMAN to hit their partner. Lets be honest with ourselves and recognize that abuse of any kind is wrong and that women can sometimes be abusers. With that being said, one thing people fail to realize is that Rihanna lashed out on him, in a manner that is similar to what she experienced as a child growing up and watching her parents' behavior. I wasn't in the car with them and I can't say that she hit him, but my hypothesis would be that she did. Please take into consideration that Chris Brown was driving when all of this started and that she was upset over a text message. (The text message I feel is worth mentioning because if you were a real woman, why would you allow a text message to make you upset. That is a childlike syndrome. Real women get even or walk away. Children have bitch fits and get jealously upset)

His natural reaction would be to hit back when being attacked. Going back to his childhood, he watched his mother be abused. She may have hit back which would explain why Chris Brown hit Rihanna back or his mother may not have hit back and Brown hits her back because he wishes it was something his mother would have done. I wasn't in the household but its an educated guess with all the information that I hear or have read about in regards to domestic violence. So I conclude that they are both victims in this situation because they are a product of their childhood.

On a different note, I firmly believe that there was a line that was crossed. The comments that were allegedly made in regards to him verbally threatening her went too far. The excessive force that he used while attacking her were far too extreme. (But from a first hand experience, anger can be blinding. You don't realize your own strength until the damage is done). But please note that Rihanna got back with him after this situation. Although that was probably not the best move so soon, you can't fault her from going back. There are two ways to look at that: 1) she is a product of her upbringing. Meaning she watched her parents stay together until her mother finally said enough is enough and got the divorce or 2) she has a guilty conscience in knowing that she played a role in why Chris Brown started hitting her in the first place. Think about it, as a woman, if you continuously lash out at someone (a.k.a. verbally or physically attack), the person will only take it for so long before they retaliate.

I agree that Chris Brown was wrong in the sense that he went too far. I feel that people want to look at this in black and white and refuse to acknowledge the large gray area that plays a role in the behavior that took place on that unfortunate night. But at the same time we must acknowledge that both of these people have been victims of abuse and behaved in a way that was natural to them, although it is a suppressed memory.

I still love Chris Brown and I pray that the both of them find the help they need in order to overcome their tragedies.

*Disclaimer: I though the picture was funny. No disrespect*

Half-crazy

"Don't push me
Cuz I'm close to the edge
I'm tryin
Not to lose my head
(Uh huh huh huh huh)
Its like a jungle sometimes
It makes me wonder
How I keep from going under"

Much like most of my blogs, I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Anyway...this song came to me and made me realize how close I am to the edge. Reflecting on my depression, I recognized that I wasn't feeling like myself. At it dawned on me, is this how people feel when they seriously go crazy? It reminds me of this movie with Diana Ross acting as a schizophrenic. And she said in this movie that it feels like someone stole her brain. Although I don't feel like someone stole my brain, I felt as if I wasn't myself...like there was someone who knew me was operating as me. Some would call this split personality but have I gone crazy?

I feel as if I'm on the edge, stable, yet on the edge. And any thing can come about and knock me off my feet sending me over the edge. Is it me or does anyone else feel like this?

Lost Voyage to Self

Recently (last week) I was told that I was a contradiction. Someone said to me that she doesn't understand how I can point out everyone's faults without understanding my own. Now please understand that I was sick last week, so clarity nonexistent at this point. So was this a good day for me to look back on the last 21 years of my life and pinpoint where I lost my motivation?!? Not at all. However, the person speaking to me was older than me. And growing up with my values, I respected her and what she was saying. But it was a one-sided conversation...whatevs.

But after having her damn near yell at me, from a place of love (all sarcasm aside), I was able to reflect on myself a little this morning. And although I haven't come to a complete solution, here is what I have realized.

I have been conditioned since I was young, to put on fronts as if everything was okay. I grew up without my father in my life for reasons that I prefer not to publicly broadcast. {If I know you well enough and feel comfortable telling you, ask me, and we can talk about it} Nonetheless, he has been out of my life since I was two years old. When I was young, I never really thought too much of it and the phone calls and occasional visits sufficed. But now that I'm 21, I never realized how growing up without him has scarred me until now. Now I see the ramifications it has taken on my soul, my personal relationships, and even how I react daily.

People can go through life and pretend that growing up in a single parent home was cool and that they turned out fine. But who's to say that the inner turmoil they experience doesn't cause some type of havoc on their mental stability. I'm not saying that people go crazy, but there are always those what if moments where you wonder if things would have been different if growing up with both parents would have produced a different outcome.

My story growing up was the same: My dad is in Nigeria. Plain and simple, no need for anyone to ask anymore questions. But people are nosy, so usually the follow up question was "what is he doing". And me being so young, I would shrug my shoulders and respond with whatever came to my head first, "he working" "helping out the family". It wasn't until I was in junior high where I really understood the story behind my father's absence.

Does this have anything to do with me being a contradiction? Of course not!! Because if you want my opinion, we are all walking contradictions. Hell...if you look on the about me section on my facebook, I say that I'm a walking contradiction. So congratulations on pointing out something that I already knew about myself (all sarcasm included). But this situation in my life and my conversation with ________ caused me to realize why I act like everything is okay with me when it isn't. I wouldn't see it as a contradiction, rather it is a mental block to dealing with problems that I have. And if you think about it, its easy for people to point out the faults with others rather than to internalize and deal with their own faults. Do we know our own flaws? Most of us do. What do we do about it? Point them out in other people, see how they deal with it, then try it and see if it will work for us.

I thought I knew who I was, but somewhere in my voyage to myself, I got lost. Maybe its when I changed my post grad plans and was scared to tell my family that what I once had a passion for was gone. Maybe its when I fell on academic difficulty and no longer felt passion for being in school. Maybe its when I realized that I'm scared of relationships because the only relationship I have experienced is the love a mother has for her child. So its no wonder that I have problems being insecure when it comes to romantic relationships and I just don't know what to do or how to act...lol. So who knows where I got lost on finding a better version of myself. But I'm on a mission to figure it out and who knows...maybe I'll find myself on the way.

Curses to you

I never viewed myself as the negative type. Others may have an opinion and I welcome it but in my effort to actively become a better version of myself I must say that positivity is my mission. However it is very simple to fall back into old habits.

With that being said...DAMN YOU TIME CHANGE!!! So here I am enjoying my sleep. I look at the time on my tv and see that is 7:30. So I'm like okay...I got half an hour before I need to get up. Then my alarm goes of that notifies me it is 6:30. WHAT THE EFF?!?!? Then sleep moves over so clarity can step in and I remember that the time changed. So I LOST AN HOUR OF SLEEP. That ain't right!!!

I enjoy sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep has done nothing bad to me except for the occasional nightmares. But other than that...I LOVE SLEEP AND SLEEP LOVES ME!!! Why would you deny me that?

But in my quest to understand why daylight saving time happens I found out that Arizona and Hawaii are the only states not to observe DST. Here is a funky fresh website with some information on Daylight Saving Time http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html

Well...that's my rant for the day. Make sure to go to sleep early so that the time doesn't affect your sleep too much.

I'm up

It's a little after 5 in the morning and I'm up...I'M FUCKIN UP!!! I've been up since 2:00. I can't seem to sleep because this damn sickness of mine won't allow me to. I have a headache that is of Satan and mucus that is causing my air passages to become restricted. I lie under the covers and i get hot; I remove them and I get cold. There is no winning in this situation. So here's what I've been up to since sleep decided that it was gonna bypass me for the rest of the time.

At 2:00 I watched...okay...I don't remember exactly what I watched . At 3:00 I ate red velvet cake with cherry limeade as I watched the last hour of Clueless and flipped between Tru Confessions on the Disney Channel. (This is a great movie that to this day makes me a little misty eyed). But because its the Disney Channel, it ended at 4:35. So from 4:35 to 5:00, I watched Soulplayer on VH1 Soul where I reminisced with Alicia Keys' "You Don't Know My Name". Now at 5:21, I am watching All Of Us on the controversial, racially filled word: NIGGA. This is the episode where Bobby is playing Go Fish with his white friends on his birthday and yells "Go Fish, NIGGA". On the flip side, Family Matters is about when Carl kills Steve's beetle and Steve takes him to citizen's court.

I've noticed some odd things at this hour via Facebook. Like these videos that people are uploading (and I won't say no names). They're funny, but when is enough, enough? And why do people change their picture like every other day? And why is it that we have more Facebook friends than we do in real life? I mean...I have well over 600 people on my friends list. But I don't even like all those people soooo whyyyyyy are they still there?!?!? Hell if I know. Is it because I don't want to hurt their feelings by deleting them? But why would it matter if not really friends anyway.

So here is what I've learned by 5:31 a.m.: 1) I need to delete people off my friend's list. 2) I may start doing video journals of my own. 3) Facebook is a way to offset boredom but that does not omit the fact that you are in my newsfeed every blessed day. 4) If I'm ever awake at 2 in the morning and am not asleep by 3, I will take some medicine, sick or not, so I can fall asleep.

Untitled

Unrequited emotion

Lack of reciprocity

Same message

And I just can’t seem to get through

It’s you that I sought

You that I wanted

I called, I text

And still no response

So I hopped in my car

Drove past your house

I just wanted to see if your car was there

Went by your job

They told me you were gone

I just wanted to say hi

I called, it rang twice

Then went to voicemail

Why are you ignoring me

And then I get that

Magical…

Text message

How romantic

Only to realize it was a forwarded message

That you got from one of yo friends

But my heart still skipped a beat

Cuz at least you remembered I still exist

TWO WEEKS LATER:

I wonder if he still likes me

I swear I thought we had something going

Granted you only respond to one text message a week

But at least you responded

You called me while I was in class

And of course I couldn’t answer

But at least you called

You know what…never mind

Fuck that and fuck you

I’m starting to lose myself in a possibility that never existed

I could’ve been your good thing

Your wake-up-in-the-morning-smiling-cuz-I’m-yours-queen

Your damn-I’m-having-a-bad-day-but-when-I-see-my-girl-it’ll-be-all-better

Know what I mean

But fuck it…its your loss

You probably couldn’t handle it anyway

UGH...

BEING SICK BLOWS!!!

I hate this feeling. I can't think straight. I can't breathe right. I wanna sleep all the time. Tea just ain't cuttin it. I hate liquid medicine but the tablets are WAAAAAYYYYY to expensive for a college student in a state that just went bankrupt so they decide to take away the money they give for higher education. {I hope they are getting ready for the influx of people that will either be entering the jail system or the billions of dollars that they lose because of shoplifting}. I just wanna disappear and it has more to do with being sick...

Enough is Enough

I AM TIRED!!!

I am more than exhausted and people are telling me that I'm not doing enough. Hmm...let's analyze this:

I have recently completed my schedule where I can visibly see what it is that I have to do. And upon completion I realized that I have 4 hours during the time that I am at school where I have nothing to do as opposed to the 42+ hours where I am either in class, discussion section, work, or in a meeting of some sort. It is utterly ridiculous that our community is so limited where you have the same people doing everything. As a black student at UCLA we are faced with so many obstacles that we try and tackle them all at the same time while neglecting our foundation. My saying is, "You can try and save the world if you want to, but if your home is falling apart, who is gonna help you achieve your goals?" TAKE CARE OF THE BASICS. We as a community are stretched until there is nothing left. And for a lot of people...they end up leaving the black community after being asked to plan this event for 200 people, be in this show, come volunteer for this thing, work here, don't fail your classes, go to office hours, make sure you study...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! So when people start to disappear or avoid you on the walk...I can now understand why.

DAMMIT...I am no one's superwoman...I too am human with human emotions and human capabilities. I can't be expected to do it all. No wonder I was depressed...this shit is fa real about to run me ragged.