Half-Time is in the Buildin!!!

laughin my ass off for writing this

I am a senior in college and I've been tryna figure out what I'm gonna do with my life after I graduate. And although I have legitimate plans, I lowkey want to be a rapper. But I've run into a few problems.

Granted: My alter ego got mad swag. And as soon as Tatyana Desire a.k.a. Hot Taty comes out, GAME OVER. I wanna be able to incorporate other rappers into my persona. So I decided I'ma channel Biggie by putting some type of food into my rhymes; I'ma be like Lil Wayne with the styrofoam cup but step my game up with a travel mug; but I also wanna be like Mos Def and spit some lyrical consciousness; be like Tupac with the contradicting rap persona.

Problem: My freestyle game ain't on point. So I would try and freestyle but can only come up with eight bars at any given time. Every now and then I would be able to spit ten bars but most recently, like yesterday, I was able to come up with 12 bars. So its progressively getting better. But I can never get to that 16 bars.

Solution: I'm gon be a part-time rapper...that's right, PART-TIME!! It's gon be so dope because now I have a gimmick. I'm only gon make half albums that have half songs. I'm gonna have half concerts in an arena where I sell out half the arena. And my stage name: HALF TIME!

I'm so DOPE!!

So here goes my latest rhyme:

The music is spiritual
My rhymes is lyrical
Feeding real shit
So you all can leave full
Part time rapper
I shine like the clapper
My flow so sharp
It'll leave ya soul on a platter
Full time lady
My style never shady
Yo man stepped to me
Can he get with me? Maybe...


laughin low key

My Most Recent Therapy Session...

And the epiphany is:

I AM AFRAID OF RELATIONSHIPS!!!

I was speaking with my therapist about my progression in two weeks since our last therapy session. In two weeks I have come out of the lowest point ever in my life and am currently making strides to heal myself by having healthy relationships. But the question was "how do I deal with relationships with the opposite sex?" And I told her how I prefer to ignore it all together. Then she informed me that my decision is one way to go or I can make calculated decisions and learn how to deal with the hurt that comes if I made a wrong decision. Its all about trial and error.

Yeah...so I guess I'm gonna be making some calculated decisions.

Unrequited Emotion

There's this guy who I'm really interested in and who told me he was interested in me as well. But for some reason I feel I can't get through to him. He'll talk to me only when he feels like it or when it conveniences him. So now I'm all confused as to how I'm supposed to handle the situation. I've never had this kind of attraction to a guy. The kind of attraction that makes you smile and giggle at the simple mention of his name. The kind of attraction that makes you realize how much of a girl you are. The kind of attraction that makes you overanalyze what you say, how you dress, and how often you call or text. I wouldn't call it sprung...just heavily interested.

*Sighz* The complexity that is the male species...

In my mind: "Chocolate High" by India Arie featuring Musiq

Reaffirmation

No more to the madness
No more to the whack shit
No more to the sadness
No longer in the dark will I sit

Overwhelmed with the craziness
Allowing myself to fall so low
My spirit became shattered
My true emotions I just couldn't show

Those around me couldn't tell
That clouds were blocking my light
My world was crumbling
But it was up to me to get my life right

So...I woke up this morning
Feeling refreshed and refined
A period of sadness
Had weighed down my mind

I woke up this morning
Tired of living in the dark
Reaffirmed in myself
No longer the devil's mark

So GOODBYE to the madness
DEUCES to the whack shit
FUCK YOU to the sadness
My LIGHT is too BRIGHT to live in that dark shit

Spiritual Cleansing...

Just when you think you're on an incline, something will happen and knock you right back down. I had been experiencing bouts of depression where some days were good but most days were simply unbearable.

After speaking with my therapist who told me I was depressed, I figured I would finally speak with my mother after three weeks of no communication with her. I told her what happened in my therapy session and she being a mother, told me that I wasn't depressed. And instead, I need to connect with people because I have been isolating myself. So I personally decide to metaphorically "clean out my closet". I made a mental list of everyone I need to speak with on my road to a healthier spirit. And the more I thought about it, I realized I had a broken spirit. So I woke up on Sunday and went to church after not going in about four weeks.

Its amazing what God will reveal to you. I had been missing church in my life. I needed to repent...that's what was wrong with me. I had disconnected from my faith. Now don't get me wrong, I have connection with God which is where my faith lies. Church to me, simply represents a more structural place to make that connection.

After leaving church, I felt better. I felt lighter. The burden I had been carrying was cast aside and I felt free. So I got in my car to go home and I put in my gospel mix cd and this song came on from Tyler Perry's Class Reunion called "I'm Taking My Life Back":

I remember you
From when I was a little girl
But I've gone through
So much
That man has clouded my world
Mmm...I remember you
And your blood, oh your blood
Can forgive

So wash me (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Cleanse me
Forgive me
I want to live
I want to live
I'm taking my life back (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I'm taking my soul, taking it back
See I want the love
You promised me on calvary

And I'm
Taking
Back
Everything the devil stole from me
When you bled and died oh Lord
You made all the pain subside, you see
I have placed my life in his hands
But there has been a change of plans
For me, for me

I'm taking my life back (oh yes I am)
I'm taking my soul back
See I want the love you promised me
On calvary (when when when when when)
When you bled and died
You made all the pain subside
You see (oh oh oh oh Lord)
See I placed my life in mortal mans hands
But there has been a change of plans
For me (for me)

Take me back Lord
Won't you take me back
Father I know I'm not deserving
But if you would
Cleanse me
Wash me (oh Lord)
Father I want to be what you want me to be (yeah)
Teach me to walk right Lord
Lord, I know I need to talk right
I'm callin you
Cleanse me
Wash me, wash me

I'm taking my life back
I'm taking my soul back, Lord
Devil you wanna win
Devil you can't win (no no no no no no no)
Lord I need you to cleanse me
Oh, wash me
(Hey yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh oh yeah)
I want to live yeah...........

I've seen this play dozens of times and the song didn't resonate with me until that Sunday to the point I cried. The devil had found a way and decided to reign over me. And it wasn't until that Sunday where I had to say no more. The devil can't win as long as I serve an awesome God. God showed me how wonderful he is as long as my heart is open.

Yeah...I'm a work in progress. I have never claimed to be perfect. I strive to live right and I thank God for the power of forgiveness and everlasting love. The bible says (and I'm gon try and get this right): God helps those who help themselves. He showed me how powerful His love can be as long as I meet him half way.

In Limbo...

For the last few weeks, my life has been spiraling. Some days, it would be up but the majority of the time I feel like I'm on a downward spiral. I had a therapy session yesterday and the therapist basically told me I was depressed without actually saying the words. I have been through bouts where I would feel sad, but never in my life have I ever felt this sad. I have never had such a low point that lasted for so long. I have been in a depressed mode for about a month now. This has preceded midterms so I can't say that was the cause.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with a blindfold and my hands tied. As much as I would like to take the blindfold off and see what's coming next, my hands are tied.

Its so easy for me to identify what my issues are, and usually I can figure out what my next step will be for me to alleviate my issues. But this time...I just don't know. My life is in limbo and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Sold on Sex

Sex sales
Sex sells
I'm now open
My love for sale
Because you sold me
Hooked me
Something so deep
No one could see
My night dreams
Become daymares
When you're not here
Bringing out the freak in me
When you're freakin me
Touchin me
Teasin me
Kissin me
Pleasin me
I want you
Whenever
However
And where ever I can
Loving so good
You're now deep within my soul
Kisses so sweet
I come running when you call
Dripping when you call
Heavy breathing when you call
I come screaming when you call
These daymares got me simpin
You're loving keeps me thinkin
Work goes undone
My thoughts are on one
I was open for business
But now I am done

Release therapy: Letting it go 01/24-01/30 recap

So...if you couldn't tell by the last few blogs...I've definitely been in a funk for the past week. And with my most recent blog, I made a declaration to myself. With that information being said, let's have a recap of what has been going on.

It all started with an ongoing issue I've been having with my sister. Can't quite fingerpoint it, but we can be like water and oil...we don't mix. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and will do anything for her, but sometimes... Anyway, whenever something happens between us, my mother gets involved. And whenever she gets involved, I seem to withdraw from everyone and everything. So that pretty much added insult to injury. {BTW: I hate when my mom gets involved. I personally believe that my sister and I are old enough to handle our issues by ourselves}

So if this wasn't already weighing me down, here comes MORE DRAMA. There is this girl, who I thought I was cool with until fate showed me her hand, and she happens to like this guy who claims to be my friend but I'm beginning to think otherwise. The guy is at my apartment for the weekend for reasons that I will not disclose. {Press pause: here is some information that should be disclosed. I've known this girl for a few years and not never have we ever hung out so often until she had interest in this guy who claims to be my friend. Push play.} So they're all at my apartment. We're watchin movies and playin games. It got kinda late and everyone is leaving. So when she gets up to leave, so does he. Without any prior knowledge to me, he ups and leaves. Now maybe I'm overreacting. But as a "friend" who helps you out when your in need of help, this being one of those times, I felt the least he could do was tell me he was leaving. Especially when he had just told me earlier that he didn't want to see her.

{Sidebar: Here is where I messed up. Maybe I should have told this girl that the I messed around with this guy. But me trying to be a "friend" to someone who doesn't deserve me in their life, I decided not to. Lesson: be more upfront with people}

So...why am I feeling down because of this? Like I said, I've known this girl since the summer of my freshman year in college and I'm now a senior. I've seen her more in the last month than I have in the last four years of this so-called friendship. I haven't talked to her or this guy since that day they left my apartment. From him: I shouldn't be surprised because its not the first time he's done something like this. However, I'm still shocked because I felt like we've come so much farther than this. From her: I'm utterly speechless. I never saw this coming. Here I am thinking that our friendship is growing, but she was using me to get closer to him. And she had the audacity to say that she didn't want to make it seem like she was using me. LMAO... How silly I was to believe her. But I still laugh because she fails to realize how he really feels about her.

So here's my lesson learned: be aware of brand new behavior. This guy would be at my place often. So it wasn't until after all of this happened when I noticed, she no longer called me on my cell phone but rather my house phone. Question: why is she calling the house number I never gave her. Could this be because he'd be calling her from my house? Brand new behavior...DAMN RIGHT. Calling my house, saying wussup to me, asked if he was there so they can talk. Brand new behavior...DAMN RIGHT. So I am not surprised that because he's not at my house, she has no reason to call...DAMN RIGHT!!

I really wanted to believe the best in this situation. But reality will eventually be revealed and deliver a sizeable dose in my life. So in the case of my family, we have seen thunderstorms and sunny days and we always come out on top. And in the case of these other two people...there's not much I can say. So to the two of you...I wish you the best. You two deserve each other...you both used me and I just want you to remember, karma is a bitch.

{To all of those who checked up on me and got truth out of me as to why I was so sad...Thank you. "I gotcha, I love ya babes."}

Song in mind: My Foolish Heart by Jazmine Sullivan

My Declaration

"Tight Like Spandex" and I were talking yesterday and I was telling her about the ring that I bought as a promise to myself that I deserve better in life. {sidebar: the ring is absolutely beautiful. It is two hearts connected to symbolize infinity.} I told her that she too deserves better in life. After she told me she can't afford a ring (this is before I told her I paid $13) she said that she was going to write a letter and give a copy to me and her BFF. I thought to myself that would be a good idea because there is something tangible to look at and say, "NO MORE". So to everyone out there who has been used by people you never thought you'd be used by, who have had horrible romantic relations with the opposite or same sex, who have bad relations with family members, who have had one bad thing after another happen, make a declaration and tell yourself NO MORE.

I, "Beautifully Broken", hereby make the following declaration:

1. I will no longer put myself into situations where I allow myself to get hurt
2. I will no longer allow myself to be used by friends, lovers, or family
3. I will acknowledge my faults and apologize whenever I hurt someone
4. I will not hold on to people who don't deserve to be in my life
5. I will not allow other people's behavior cause me to have an emotional shut down
6. I will regard myself with the highest esteem because no one can love me like I love me
7. I will not be the type of person who uses others in order to accomplish something or prove a point. I vow to mean what I say, and say what I mean
8. I will work on no longer being passive aggressive
9. I will be honest with myself and with others
10. I will always be there for those who have been there for me

I vow to become a better person. I can no longer harbor space for people who are not on the same track as me. Its time we all step our game up and do better. This is my declaration and I vow to stand by it, so help me God.