I was bored at work when I decided to check out this funky fresh website, conveniently name thefreshxpress.com. While on this website I come across this article called "Deleting Him From my Phone". To summarize, the article basically is about this girl who has this "pseudo relationship" with this guy whom she lowkey has feelings for. They would have all aspects of a relationship without the title and full commitment of a relationship. Little did she know, this was all in her head. So as a symbolic gesture, she struggles with deleting him from her phone. Here's the article if anyone wants to read it in its entirety: http://thefreshxpress.com/?p=404.
Here's my dilemma...I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS. My goodness {chuckles to self}. I had to ask my best friend Joshua why this happens and he couldn't give me an answer. He usually has an answer for everything. (Sidebar: I didn't know how to feel; was I happy I left him speechless or frustrated that I left him speechless.) Any way, I have put myself in this situation a few times. To have this really great guy who you marginalize into the friend category only to repress the feelings you have for him or try to convince yourself that a romantic relationship could never happen. Either way, you are lying to yourself.
I am someone who takes pride in myself at all times. But I'm still human and as a human we must all deal with our insecurities or lack of knowledge and self assess. So here goes my assessment: I currently feel like I'm in this category. I purposely put myself in the "friend zone" with this guy I like(d) {still debating}. I have convinced myself this is the way things were meant to be, that being in a relationship would only complicate things. So the best idea would be to remain friends...further suppressing the truth and continuously lying to myself. And me being who I am will result to being passive aggressive when something doesn't go my way or that slight twinge of jealousy arises when you see something and think to yourself how much you want it to be you. {sidebar: as I write this, Jazmine Sullivan's Need U Bad comes on}. And the one thing that most girls will do is have sex with the guy after being put in the "friend zone". If you know your intentions with a guy is more than platonic, having sex with him would only further complicate the situation. You're probably thinking you're on your way to what you've always wanted and he's thinking it was casual sex between friends.
I question if me putting myself through this is solely my fault. Then I look at the second party involved and analyze his behavior. And from my perception, certain gestures are misleading in the "friend zone". For example: certain types of kisses, hand gestures, and side glances have tendency to mislead the female party involved. I don't want to dwell in the male perspective because for them its simple: "that's just the homegirl". But I just want to go on record saying that if she's just the homegirl...treat her as such. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Don't say or do one thing then turn around and your gestures exhibit a different idea that is counter to what was said earlier.
The sad thing about me realizing all of this is that I still don't know what to do in my current situation. Do I hope he reads this blog and know that I'm passively talking about him or blatantly tell him how I feel and hope a consensus on future relations is reached? I self analyzed but still have failed to come up with a solution much like the author of the article: Do I delete him from my phone or not? But it doesn't really matter if I have his number memorized...
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