I AM COMPLICATED AND STUBBORN. The sooner you realize this, the easier I am to deal with. The way I process information is different than most people. If I could properly articulate through writing, I would. But I can't, so I dare not try. The way I deal with situations is different. This I can explain.
As much as I try to deal with issues, I tend to harbor my emotions. I keep them bottled in. Yes I am passive aggressive and the first step to recovery is acknowledgment. So I'm working on it. But I digress. As much as I try to express what I'm feeling when I feel it, I find it easier to internally deal with the issues that I have with other people. Granted I may not talk to you. And when you do attempt to engage me in conversation, I tend to be very short. I keep my answers short, and plaster on a fake smile. But in my mind, I feel that eventually, I will get over it.
The problem comes when people want to make mountains out of mole hills. If I haven't addressed you about anything, chances are the situation is small. Now here comes the conundrum. Smaller issues tend to upset me more than bigger ones. I had a conversation with a couple of people and the conclusion has been the same. I think that getting upset over smaller problems upsets me more because of how small the problem is. And to make it worse, I know that the issue is small and sometimes I allow it to spiral and become this huge problem.
Nonetheless, people tend to have sudden bursts of boldness when they realize something is off. What's even funnier is that these bursts of boldness happen either over the phone or on aim...{laughing to myself}. I'm waiting for the email confrontation...that'll be the day. LOL!! But people have gotten bold with me over Facebook, Myspace, AIM, and over the phone. The phone for me is the last resort. But the first three tend to be the most interesting. I say this because everything can be misinterpreted. And the more people utilize these forms of technology to hash out issues, the more relationships you're going to ruin. So my disclaimer is that if you want to talk to me about something, let's sit down face to face and deal with it. Most people are scared of that face to face contact which is why they resort to these forms of technology to talk. Here's why I disagree with the phone but will tolerate it. The difference between using the phone and the other aforementioned forms of technology is that true emotions can't be denied...almost. You can still fake it over the phone. And going back to the basics of communication, 90% of all communication is non-verbal, which is why the face to face is so much better. So as a note for all of you who read this, if I start acting different around you...there just may be a reason why. If you want to find out and you don't ask me in person, chances are you're not going to get a straight answer from me.
I know I'm stubborn. Its not where I want to be but I've accepted the fact and am trying to work on it. I know I'm complicated. I see things differently than most people. I deal with things a lot different than most people. And no I'm not going to try and see it your way. No...I don't care how you act in situations and that I should know that by now. I could give a good damn when you say "You should know me better than that." Whether you had mal intent or not, the fact still remains that there was damage done. I can tell you how I feel but its up to you on how you deal with it. I can't change you no more than you can change me. I have acknowledged my flaws and am doing what I can to change that. I can accept being wrong. I can accept the criticism that is constantly thrown my way...its difficult but I deal with it. Here's the million dollar question: Can you?
