Speechless

Of all the things that have happened to me in my life, nothing has left me more in awe than the last few months of my life. From graduating, to being unemployed, to being depressed, to getting a job, to finally feeling that I'm on my way to getting to where I need to be and its not good enough.

Who do we live life for? Ourselves or others? I used to think that we were brought into this world to make our parents happy. Then I found out that we are supposed to live a better life than our parents. Then I realized we are here to do God's work. So who's to say that everything that I've been through is not a part of his plan for me? That I'm supposed to undergo all this pain and crying and tribulation so that at the end of the day I become a better person and learn from the good and bad in my life.

I woke up a little before 4:00 this morning. I just wanted to turn off the tv in my room because it was too loud but the battery wasn't working. So I go to the living room and switch the batteries with another remote (we have all done this before) and when I was coming back in my room, I find a note that my roommate/sister left for me asking me to move out by April 15. If you know me, you know that we don't have the best relationship. And it would be easy for me to move out. But it would be hell to leave and hell to stay. So which is the lesser of two evils? Move back in with my mom and put up with my mom or continue to stay here and put up with my sister?

I'm seriously speechless. My vindictive mind tells me to stay to spite my sister but something tells me it would be easier to move out. But by somehow moving out it would leave me upset and depressed. My hopes for living with my sister was that it would somehow strengthen our relationship. CLEARLY, I was wrong. Neither one of us wanted to make that first step. Call us stubborn because we are but it was supposed to make things easier for the both of us. With her being older, I would think that she would ignore my naivete and really be there for me. Once again, I was wrong. She is all about her. And who am I to judge? Science says that we are prone to consider ourselves over anyone else because of the degree of relationship. Can I be mad, not at all. Am I disappointed, somewhat. What to do from here on out, nothing. I fully believe that since birth, she never really wanted me around. She used to come up to my crib and pinch me so that I would cry. And ever since, she continues to pinch me so that I would cry.

My mom believes I'm throwing my life away simply because I'm not enrolled in a Master's degree program. Just because I'm not doing it now doesn't mean that it's not to come. Since I was young, I lived life for my mother. I get to college and begin making decisions for myself in spite of what my mom wants me to do. I know that she loves me, but I can help but feeling like she's disappointed with me. And to move back home would mean that I have to live with that until I can move out on my own.

So I ask again, which is the lesser of two evils? After 5 years of living on my own, moving back in with my mom would be slightly detrimental to my psyche. Living with my sister would be detrimental to my psyche.

Signed,
Speechless