untitled randomness

It's after 2 in the morning and for some reason, I can't go to sleep. Normally the sound of the tv would put me to bed, but it's just not working tonight. However, there are some thoughts running through my mind so maybe if I write them down, it will help me go to sleep.

First things first, it has been a month since my surgery and my nipple attached *applause*. For those of you haven't read my other blogs, I had a breast reduction surgery on December 16. My biggest fear after I was allowed to take showers again was that the pressure from the shower head would send my nipple down the drain. But thanks to modern medicine, those stitches hold really well and it has attached. And as an added bonus, I still have sensation in the nipple [smiley face]. On the same note, there has been one thing that has plagued me during my recuperation period. I like to think that I'm a good friend. And if you are personally going through something that I know about, I try my damn hardest to make sure that I check up on you. See how things are going, if you're okay, if you need anything from me that I can give...etc. You know, the fabric of a good friend. So during my recuperation, the only person who was truly there for me was my mom (as she should be). She called me every day to make sure that I took my medicine. She cooked whatever I wanted. Let me sleep with her the first two night following my surgery. The things that a mother does is more than often unparallel. So in my mind, I'm thinking that those people I've been there for would at least say hey every now and then. See how I'm doing. I'm not saying call me everyday cuz eventually I would start avoiding your calls. But an occasional 'how you doin' text, aim, facebook message would suffice. Even the guy I'm casually talking to called me more and at the time I had known him for three weeks. So what the eff happened to the rest of those people I hold so closely? Hmm...I guess it just goes to show that my mom was right, only your family will show up when you're in the hospital and will be the only ones who will stand by your side. Shame on me for thinking that I would get more out of my friends.

(whoo...that felt good. Relax, relate, release.)

Up next...brokeness. This economy sucks major balls. I'm talking hairy, stuck in your mouth, smelly balls. Its sad to say that I have graduated from one of the best colleges in the state of California and I can't seem to get a job...let alone an interview. If this was five years ago, I would be the creme-de-la-creme...the bomb diggity if you will. But now I'm considering avenues that I normally wouldn't. This shit sucks. I have sent out my resume to God knows how many people and can't seem to get a response. I check my email 3-6 times a day just to see if something new has arrived from one of the jobs I applied for. I HATE CHECKING MY EMAIL!! I have hit an all time low of desperate. (Currently taking applications for a male sponsor who is over the age of 45.) I pray all the time that something will happen for me and that it happens soon. I don't know how much more of this brokeness I can take.

Honestly...there was something else I wanted to talk about but I completely forgot. The sound of the rain is completely soothing right now...I remember now.

Last but not least, drinking. No I don't mean alcohol...well, judge for yourself. I have decided to drink only water and wine for the new year, kinda like Jesus. Not necessarily a resolution but something that I've been meaning to do for a while. I stopped drinking soda and have since relied heavily on juice. So the goal was to stop drinking juice so I can get used to drinking more water. Talk about a major backfire. What I should have done was ease the amount of juice I drank and increased the amount of water. I don't eat a lot of candy so my dosage of sweets come from juice. I feel like I'm lacking in my life. So as soon as the stores open, I'm going to get some juice. Oh...how I can taste it now.

Okay...now that I got that off my chest, I'm feeling cold and restless. Hopefully sleep is soon to follow.

Love live life y'all...PEACE!!!

So long 2009, welcome 2010

I am in no mood to share with you my experiences of 2009. Those of you whom I hold dear know what happened in my life in 2009. If you're uncertain, feel free to catch an idea from past posts. I will, on the other hand, will share with you my hopes for the future. I have been through my fair share of ups and downs. I've seen happiness, I've taken walks on the wild side, I've had happy mornings that have ended in sleepless nights. I began the year being depressed and only God saw me through it. As I began 2010 in a somewhat similar state, only God will see me through this transition that I'm prepared to go through.

In 2010, I pray that this year be the year that things happen. As the new year begins, so begins a life change for me. I'm broke, in recovery and yet I remain hopeful. I have found a job that is designed for me and trust I'm going to fight for it.

This will be the year that I get that career that suits me. This will be the year that I continue my business plans for my "splounge". This will be the year the my personal life remains consistent and excels to a place that causes me no more headaches. THIS WILL BE THE YEAR THAT THINGS HAPPEN!!!

I don't make new year's resolutions. I just let things happen as they may. If my mind is set on something, best believe I'm gonna make it happen. So watch out 2010, I got my head on right, and a plan that's unstoppable. I'm goin in hard.

My 2009 change

It's been a while since I've been blogging. The last post I made was in reference to Soulja Boy's ignorance. Since then, I have officially completed my collegiate life. I am officially an alumni from UCLA as of December 9, 2009. The following week, I had a breast reduction surgery. Amidst my recovery, I discovered that I am officially broke...lol (as most college students who graduate). So this left me in a state where I couldn't even hustle to make enough money to pay rent. Nonetheless, I'm trying to remain optimistic as the new year begins (please believe that its not that easy. I'm borderline happy and depressed). I look forward to being able to make a transition into the "real world" that has been awaiting me since birth. The bubble that I live in has officially busted.

Curses to both Imeem and Myspace

Soooo...is it me or am I hella late, but when did Imeem join Myspace? Why are you messing with the melodic sounds that soothes the ear, mind and soul of the readers on my page? Curses be to you Imeem and to you to Myspace for not allowing me the same pleasures of encrypting my playlist to my blog page. Shame to the both of you.

Effin Dumb Ass...

AND here we go again with some dumb ass rapper who ain't got no kind of common damn sense. Dumb ass Soulja Boy responded when asked "what historical figure do you hate most" with "Shout out to the slave masters. Without them we’d still be in Africa. We wouldn’t be here to get this ice and tattoos.”

Now for the context. BET Black Carpet host Toure, asked about 10 rappers questions from the Proust Questionnaire. When Soulja Boy came up, he was asked what historical figure he hated most. Toure gave answers that previous rappers had said, such as Hitler and Bin Laden. After Toure said slave masters, Soulja Boy responded with the aforementioned answer. What a dumb ass. And this is the ignorance that we listen to? In retrospect, Soulja Boy ain't said a damn thing since he came out. Don't get me wrong, I did the Soulja Boy with the rest of them. But the more I think about it, the more I realize he is not only bringing down the state of hip-hop as mentioned by veteran rapper Ice-T, but he is also bringing down the state of the black community with dumb shit like this. [woo saw...woo saw]

Yo...I'm fa real pissed. Some white bitch said the same thing my first year in college. But what can I say?!?!? She was probably some sheltered white child with racist parents who just didn't know. But to have a public figure who happens to be a BLACK MAN say this...I'm ashamed to even say I listened to his music. FUCK SOULJA BOY!!

for further readings you can check out: Ron Mexico's Negro Please and Toure's blog on this interview

Where does it come from?

Him: Wats up
Him: Good Morning
Me: Good morning
Me: how are you
Him: good
Him: what u doin
Me: I'm in class
Him: you should come pick me up
Me: Nope
Him: lol y
Me: cuz I have stuff to do
Him: I wanna taste that

DID I MISS SOMETHING?!?!? Was that supposed to be a turn on or some reason to actually make me drive out to Pasadena and see your no goal setting ass? When did sex become a pick up line?

Or is it me? Maybe I grew up watching shows where men actually courted the women they liked. YES...I said courted. Is it wrong for me to expect a man to be interested in me and not how quickly they can lay me? And they wonder why women claim there are no good black men around. What ever happened to good conversation that was just that, good conversation? Why must the concept of good conversation lead to sex in some way. EXAMPLE:

Me: hey...how was your day
Him: It was cool. My car's in the shop
Me: what happened
Him: the transmission went out
Me: that blows...you sound like you could use a hug
Him: I'm single. I need ass...not no hug. lol

I apologize if I offered a hug. Maybe that sent the wrong implications. Oh wait...I was being cordial. Just like my mama raised me to be. As if the "lol" was to soften the blow of him lowkey implicating that he wanted to have sex. Seriously...what happened to the men who took the time to get to know you. And you looked forward to the phone call where he just wanted to see how your day went and mean it? As opposed to seeing how your day went to determine your mood to see if he could come over later.

Hey...I'm talking to all the men out there. If you have done this, STOP IT!!! It's not sexy, its not a turn on, and you look foolish. Now if this is not you, tell a friend how to act if you know someone like this.

*SIDE NOTE* The examples used in this blog are real. They have really happened to me. The first conversation is a different guy used in the second conversation.

Epiphany

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never been one to enjoy working out. My idea of exercise was walking from my car to class and back. So as of lately, I have been doing morning run/walks on the beach and today I finally hit Marina del Rey. Yes ladies and gentlemen, from Dockweiler to Marina del Rey. I felt so inspired to keep going but I was on a time schedule. But I had an epiphany this morning. My goal is to get my life right. Not so much to lose weight but to be right. High blood pressure and diabetes run in my family and I'll be damned if I fall victim to such preventable diseases. But in the midst of me trying to get my life right, I'd be remiss if I didn't take care of all aspects of my life. Simply put, its time for me to deal with certain people in my life that I chose to right off. Its not fair to me or to them to just completely disregard them as if they never existed.

For them, its a sudden drop of a ball. No communication for no reason. As much as I like to believe that I don't care, and to a certain extent...I don't. In actuality, I don't like to leave books unfinished. For me, I continue to dwell on these things until they no longer invade my thoughts. This only works when you can totally avoid the person. In my case...some things are inevitable. So its time to take a visit to my past and deal with the things, mainly people, that I have chosen to ignore. I pray for strength, humility, and patience because this is not going to be easy. I have had an anger issue for as long as I can remember and I have grown but it remains repressed until I have reached a breaking point. So in due time (hopefully before the new year), I am going to confront all the things that have caused an issue in my life.