The Culmination

As some of you may know, I gave up sex for Lent. That's right...for forty days and forty nights, I forewent sex. Lent is the season where you either give up something or acquire a good habit. It's a time for thought and reflection into the type of person you want to be. So this year, I gave up sex in hopes that it would allow me to focus on other aspects of the male species. Don't get me wrong, I'm not loose like some people I know. But sex was not interesting because that's all there was. No real relationship, just based on needs...with the exception of my last relationship.

So what now? Today is Palm Sunday and officially the last day of Lent before entering Holy Week. After 40 days, I am yearning for what I have been without for forty days. But I can't go back to what I was doing before Lent. It's not who I want to be, and not a habit I want to get back into. All in all, I think this was the best thing for me. No more using men just for sex. Now I know I can actually put into habit that sex should come with meaning and not just be some casual affair between two people.

Some people doubted my ability to be able to make it these 40 days. but I showed those suckers!! LOL. But I'm glad I did it. I definitely was skeptical but it was well worth it.

Umm...

So there's this guy. And I kinda like him. And he doesn't know. And I don't know what to do. Or say. Or how to act when I see him. So...yeah...that's it.

My Pet Peeves

So after reading a friend's pet peeves, I decided to make one of my own. She said that mine would be longer and meaner. I don’t know about longer, I don’t know about meaner, but I’m definitely gonna try to make this interesting.

• People who put their shoes on my bed. You’ve been walking around on God knows what and put your shoes where I sleep. Get the... fuck outta here.
  
  

  The sound of styrofoam rubbing against each other.
  
  

  Bitches who wanna talk shit via Honesty box and currently Formspring but don’t have the balls to identify themselves. If you wanna be a real woman or man, come from out the shadows. All that anonymous talk is for the birds. Grow some balls and say it to my face.
  
  

  HP laptops
  
  

  The Mexicans who keep running by my apartment making it feel like a 6.8 on the Richter scale.
  
  

  People who don’t mind their business.
  
  

  Parents who don’t know how to raise their kids. Yes…you are raising the spawn of Satan. SPANK your kids…they’ll cry now and thank you later.
  
  

  The 405 freeway
  
  

  Inglewood police
  
  

  LAPD
  
  

  Police in general
  
  

  The Ladera Center on the weekend
  
  

  The fact that the Friday’s at the Ladera Center really believes it’s a club but closes at midnight. Velvet ropes…seriously?
  
  

  The cold that my second and third graders gave me.
  
  

  People who complain about your cleaning but don’t clean themselves.
  
  

  Heater vents that allow for sound to easily be transmitted.
  
  

  People claim they act like adults but have yet to show that they are.
  
  

  Nosy people who are all up and through your shit but YOU don’t kick it in the sandbox with them. Like how do you know what I have in my room and I didn't invite you in? How do you know I have a case of wine in my room? Hell…why are you in my room?
  
  

  People who go and tell your business to everyone but won’t say it to your face
  
  

  How Oprah is on the cover of EVERY issue of her magazine.
  
  

  Comedians who aren’t funny.
  
  

  How no matter how much you clean, it’s never good enough for your parents. (every Nigerian has experienced this…be real)
  
  

  Girls who use their sexuality as a crutch.
  
  

  Signs that say “Do not turn on Red”. Like why? No cars are coming…why can’t I go?
  
  

  How UCLA was forever under construction throughout my entire 4 years
  
  

  Policy makers at UCLA
  
  

  The racism amongst the UC system
  
  

  The fact that Justin Bieber is my guilty pleasure [hangs head in shame]
  
  

  My vindictive mind. (it’s a blessing and a curse. If you have ever crossed me, I have fully planned how to carry out revenge. Luckily for you, I tend not to act on those thoughts…you’re welcome)
  
  

  Liars
  
  

  People who try to suck something out of a straw but there’s nothing left...throw the jamba juice away.
  
  

  Smelly people
  
  

  Ashy people…cocoa butter is your friend
  
  

  People who eat around you but don’t offer any…RUDENESS
  
  

  This bipolar California weather
  
  

  People who you don’t like that continue talking to you…bitch I don’t like you. Why are you talking to me?
  
  

  Rihanna
  
  

  BET not picking up The Game
  
  

  Network tv canceling all the black shows
  
  

  Bikers. C’mon…you’re impeding on traffic. Take the bus or walk.
  
  

  The way Mo’Nique yells on her show. Don’t get me wrong…she’s cool, just loud.
  
  

  The Barefoot and Yellowtail wine brands…just doesn’t taste right.
  
  

  People with ugly feet who wear sandals.
  
  

  Gas prices
  
  

  People who can’t drive
  
  

  People who follow you with the high beams on
  
  

  Not having a shot of tequila when I need it. [currently having a moment]
  
  

  People who bump into you and don’t apologize
  
  

  When my personal space get invaded…back, back and give me five feet people, five feet.
  
  

  Passive aggressive people. Say what you need to say and move on.
  
  

  Being home on the weekends…gotta get more money in my life.

Speechless

Of all the things that have happened to me in my life, nothing has left me more in awe than the last few months of my life. From graduating, to being unemployed, to being depressed, to getting a job, to finally feeling that I'm on my way to getting to where I need to be and its not good enough.

Who do we live life for? Ourselves or others? I used to think that we were brought into this world to make our parents happy. Then I found out that we are supposed to live a better life than our parents. Then I realized we are here to do God's work. So who's to say that everything that I've been through is not a part of his plan for me? That I'm supposed to undergo all this pain and crying and tribulation so that at the end of the day I become a better person and learn from the good and bad in my life.

I woke up a little before 4:00 this morning. I just wanted to turn off the tv in my room because it was too loud but the battery wasn't working. So I go to the living room and switch the batteries with another remote (we have all done this before) and when I was coming back in my room, I find a note that my roommate/sister left for me asking me to move out by April 15. If you know me, you know that we don't have the best relationship. And it would be easy for me to move out. But it would be hell to leave and hell to stay. So which is the lesser of two evils? Move back in with my mom and put up with my mom or continue to stay here and put up with my sister?

I'm seriously speechless. My vindictive mind tells me to stay to spite my sister but something tells me it would be easier to move out. But by somehow moving out it would leave me upset and depressed. My hopes for living with my sister was that it would somehow strengthen our relationship. CLEARLY, I was wrong. Neither one of us wanted to make that first step. Call us stubborn because we are but it was supposed to make things easier for the both of us. With her being older, I would think that she would ignore my naivete and really be there for me. Once again, I was wrong. She is all about her. And who am I to judge? Science says that we are prone to consider ourselves over anyone else because of the degree of relationship. Can I be mad, not at all. Am I disappointed, somewhat. What to do from here on out, nothing. I fully believe that since birth, she never really wanted me around. She used to come up to my crib and pinch me so that I would cry. And ever since, she continues to pinch me so that I would cry.

My mom believes I'm throwing my life away simply because I'm not enrolled in a Master's degree program. Just because I'm not doing it now doesn't mean that it's not to come. Since I was young, I lived life for my mother. I get to college and begin making decisions for myself in spite of what my mom wants me to do. I know that she loves me, but I can help but feeling like she's disappointed with me. And to move back home would mean that I have to live with that until I can move out on my own.

So I ask again, which is the lesser of two evils? After 5 years of living on my own, moving back in with my mom would be slightly detrimental to my psyche. Living with my sister would be detrimental to my psyche.

Signed,
Speechless