In Loving Memory...

I'm inspired to write
Yet no emotion can formulate
No words come to mind
And no voice comes out
I want to write to release the pain
To release the angst
To release the fear I feel
Knowing that my life is forever changed
A physical disappearance
Has caused an infinite memory
And I thank you
Thank you for your encouragement
Thank you for your belief
Thank you for your dedication and inspiration
Thank you for being you

Rest in peace Janet Elizabeth Brown

My Progress

I've realized that I made a promise to myself. Where am I in that promise?

Progress: Middle English progresse, from Latin prōgressus, from past participle of prōgredī, to advance : prō-, forward; see pro-¹ + gradī, to go, walk; see ghredh- in Indo-European roots.

If that's what progress means in its original form...I haven't been very successful. I look at the ring that I wear as and feel like there is no point in wearing it if I continue to live my life in the parameters of this box I have placed myself in. I firmly believe in becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. So why is it that whenever I want to do something outside my box, I become nervous and regress back inside this box?

Okay...so I actually know the answer to that. It's because I don't like the concept of change. As necessary as it is and as vital as it is to the maturation of people in general, I can't seem to want to change myself. I would rather those around me to change to adjust to what is comfortable for me. And in my mind, I know its not realistic because the only change I have direct power over is the power to change myself.

So what now?!?!?

Obstacles in my way

Why is that whenever you try and do something positive, or be positive, someone or something comes along and blocks forward movement?

I'm constantly criticized for remaining stagnant in my personal growth. People tell me all the time that the methods I employ in handling personal issues are not garnering effective change. So in my efforts to become a better person, I try a different method. I tried to handle things before it became a big deal. And unbeknownst to me, the same person who hashed out the criticism is the same one that really needs the change. To criticize and recommend change, then be the one not to make forward progression is paradoxical. Not only that, but I don't think anyone is justified in telling someone else how to conduct themselves. The only person who can induce change, is the person who needs change. Until they realize that change is needed, the recommendations fall on deaf ears.

I'm at a loss for words. I feel like I'm stuck in a conundrum. I can't seem to get past the hypocrisy that lies within people. And don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of hypocrisy also, but the difference is that I'm aware of my faults and am actively working on falling in love with myself. And the only way to fully love myself is to adhere to my goal of actively becoming a better person. Most people are knowledgable of their faults and that's where the work stops. I'm removing myself away from stagnation, can you say the same?

What in the hell?!?!?

UNFUCKINBELIEVABLE!! Two phone calls made as black teens slept in a car and only one for the white teens vandalizing the car during the day. I know racism still exists but this is simply ridiculous.

If you didn't know...let me break it down for you

I AM COMPLICATED AND STUBBORN. The sooner you realize this, the easier I am to deal with. The way I process information is different than most people. If I could properly articulate through writing, I would. But I can't, so I dare not try. The way I deal with situations is different. This I can explain.

As much as I try to deal with issues, I tend to harbor my emotions. I keep them bottled in. Yes I am passive aggressive and the first step to recovery is acknowledgment. So I'm working on it. But I digress. As much as I try to express what I'm feeling when I feel it, I find it easier to internally deal with the issues that I have with other people. Granted I may not talk to you. And when you do attempt to engage me in conversation, I tend to be very short. I keep my answers short, and plaster on a fake smile. But in my mind, I feel that eventually, I will get over it.

The problem comes when people want to make mountains out of mole hills. If I haven't addressed you about anything, chances are the situation is small. Now here comes the conundrum. Smaller issues tend to upset me more than bigger ones. I had a conversation with a couple of people and the conclusion has been the same. I think that getting upset over smaller problems upsets me more because of how small the problem is. And to make it worse, I know that the issue is small and sometimes I allow it to spiral and become this huge problem.

Nonetheless, people tend to have sudden bursts of boldness when they realize something is off. What's even funnier is that these bursts of boldness happen either over the phone or on aim...{laughing to myself}. I'm waiting for the email confrontation...that'll be the day. LOL!! But people have gotten bold with me over Facebook, Myspace, AIM, and over the phone. The phone for me is the last resort. But the first three tend to be the most interesting. I say this because everything can be misinterpreted. And the more people utilize these forms of technology to hash out issues, the more relationships you're going to ruin. So my disclaimer is that if you want to talk to me about something, let's sit down face to face and deal with it. Most people are scared of that face to face contact which is why they resort to these forms of technology to talk. Here's why I disagree with the phone but will tolerate it. The difference between using the phone and the other aforementioned forms of technology is that true emotions can't be denied...almost. You can still fake it over the phone. And going back to the basics of communication, 90% of all communication is non-verbal, which is why the face to face is so much better. So as a note for all of you who read this, if I start acting different around you...there just may be a reason why. If you want to find out and you don't ask me in person, chances are you're not going to get a straight answer from me.

I know I'm stubborn. Its not where I want to be but I've accepted the fact and am trying to work on it. I know I'm complicated. I see things differently than most people. I deal with things a lot different than most people. And no I'm not going to try and see it your way. No...I don't care how you act in situations and that I should know that by now. I could give a good damn when you say "You should know me better than that." Whether you had mal intent or not, the fact still remains that there was damage done. I can tell you how I feel but its up to you on how you deal with it. I can't change you no more than you can change me. I have acknowledged my flaws and am doing what I can to change that. I can accept being wrong. I can accept the criticism that is constantly thrown my way...its difficult but I deal with it. Here's the million dollar question: Can you?

Chris Brown or Rihanna: who is the real victim?

I was at my mom's house watching the Oprah episode that she recorded on domestic violence. Oprah decided to discuss domestic violence with teenagers who go or know someone who has experienced violence after the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident broke. The show feature Tyra Banks who interviewed both of them on her show and received background information on what their household life was like growing up.

Rihanna admitted to Tyra that growing up, she would experience migraines when her parents would argue. Her father was verbally abusive to her mother. And when her parents divorced, her migraines went away. In the case of Chris Brown, a male acquaintance of his mother would verbally and physically abouse his mother. This was a traumatic experience for him from the age of seven to thirteen. (a little background: lets understand that in the case of both these CHILDREN, they were scarred at an age where memories and habits take a subconscious seat. And no matter how much you say "that can never be me" when put into a similar situation, you revert back to these memories and respond in a manner that is familiar)

Who is the real victim?: They both are victims in this situation. I want to go on record saying that I in no way condone domestic violence. I think it is wrong for a man or WOMAN to hit their partner. Lets be honest with ourselves and recognize that abuse of any kind is wrong and that women can sometimes be abusers. With that being said, one thing people fail to realize is that Rihanna lashed out on him, in a manner that is similar to what she experienced as a child growing up and watching her parents' behavior. I wasn't in the car with them and I can't say that she hit him, but my hypothesis would be that she did. Please take into consideration that Chris Brown was driving when all of this started and that she was upset over a text message. (The text message I feel is worth mentioning because if you were a real woman, why would you allow a text message to make you upset. That is a childlike syndrome. Real women get even or walk away. Children have bitch fits and get jealously upset)

His natural reaction would be to hit back when being attacked. Going back to his childhood, he watched his mother be abused. She may have hit back which would explain why Chris Brown hit Rihanna back or his mother may not have hit back and Brown hits her back because he wishes it was something his mother would have done. I wasn't in the household but its an educated guess with all the information that I hear or have read about in regards to domestic violence. So I conclude that they are both victims in this situation because they are a product of their childhood.

On a different note, I firmly believe that there was a line that was crossed. The comments that were allegedly made in regards to him verbally threatening her went too far. The excessive force that he used while attacking her were far too extreme. (But from a first hand experience, anger can be blinding. You don't realize your own strength until the damage is done). But please note that Rihanna got back with him after this situation. Although that was probably not the best move so soon, you can't fault her from going back. There are two ways to look at that: 1) she is a product of her upbringing. Meaning she watched her parents stay together until her mother finally said enough is enough and got the divorce or 2) she has a guilty conscience in knowing that she played a role in why Chris Brown started hitting her in the first place. Think about it, as a woman, if you continuously lash out at someone (a.k.a. verbally or physically attack), the person will only take it for so long before they retaliate.

I agree that Chris Brown was wrong in the sense that he went too far. I feel that people want to look at this in black and white and refuse to acknowledge the large gray area that plays a role in the behavior that took place on that unfortunate night. But at the same time we must acknowledge that both of these people have been victims of abuse and behaved in a way that was natural to them, although it is a suppressed memory.

I still love Chris Brown and I pray that the both of them find the help they need in order to overcome their tragedies.

*Disclaimer: I though the picture was funny. No disrespect*

Half-crazy

"Don't push me
Cuz I'm close to the edge
I'm tryin
Not to lose my head
(Uh huh huh huh huh)
Its like a jungle sometimes
It makes me wonder
How I keep from going under"

Much like most of my blogs, I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Anyway...this song came to me and made me realize how close I am to the edge. Reflecting on my depression, I recognized that I wasn't feeling like myself. At it dawned on me, is this how people feel when they seriously go crazy? It reminds me of this movie with Diana Ross acting as a schizophrenic. And she said in this movie that it feels like someone stole her brain. Although I don't feel like someone stole my brain, I felt as if I wasn't myself...like there was someone who knew me was operating as me. Some would call this split personality but have I gone crazy?

I feel as if I'm on the edge, stable, yet on the edge. And any thing can come about and knock me off my feet sending me over the edge. Is it me or does anyone else feel like this?