Curses to you

I never viewed myself as the negative type. Others may have an opinion and I welcome it but in my effort to actively become a better version of myself I must say that positivity is my mission. However it is very simple to fall back into old habits.

With that being said...DAMN YOU TIME CHANGE!!! So here I am enjoying my sleep. I look at the time on my tv and see that is 7:30. So I'm like okay...I got half an hour before I need to get up. Then my alarm goes of that notifies me it is 6:30. WHAT THE EFF?!?!? Then sleep moves over so clarity can step in and I remember that the time changed. So I LOST AN HOUR OF SLEEP. That ain't right!!!

I enjoy sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep has done nothing bad to me except for the occasional nightmares. But other than that...I LOVE SLEEP AND SLEEP LOVES ME!!! Why would you deny me that?

But in my quest to understand why daylight saving time happens I found out that Arizona and Hawaii are the only states not to observe DST. Here is a funky fresh website with some information on Daylight Saving Time http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html

Well...that's my rant for the day. Make sure to go to sleep early so that the time doesn't affect your sleep too much.

I'm up

It's a little after 5 in the morning and I'm up...I'M FUCKIN UP!!! I've been up since 2:00. I can't seem to sleep because this damn sickness of mine won't allow me to. I have a headache that is of Satan and mucus that is causing my air passages to become restricted. I lie under the covers and i get hot; I remove them and I get cold. There is no winning in this situation. So here's what I've been up to since sleep decided that it was gonna bypass me for the rest of the time.

At 2:00 I watched...okay...I don't remember exactly what I watched . At 3:00 I ate red velvet cake with cherry limeade as I watched the last hour of Clueless and flipped between Tru Confessions on the Disney Channel. (This is a great movie that to this day makes me a little misty eyed). But because its the Disney Channel, it ended at 4:35. So from 4:35 to 5:00, I watched Soulplayer on VH1 Soul where I reminisced with Alicia Keys' "You Don't Know My Name". Now at 5:21, I am watching All Of Us on the controversial, racially filled word: NIGGA. This is the episode where Bobby is playing Go Fish with his white friends on his birthday and yells "Go Fish, NIGGA". On the flip side, Family Matters is about when Carl kills Steve's beetle and Steve takes him to citizen's court.

I've noticed some odd things at this hour via Facebook. Like these videos that people are uploading (and I won't say no names). They're funny, but when is enough, enough? And why do people change their picture like every other day? And why is it that we have more Facebook friends than we do in real life? I mean...I have well over 600 people on my friends list. But I don't even like all those people soooo whyyyyyy are they still there?!?!? Hell if I know. Is it because I don't want to hurt their feelings by deleting them? But why would it matter if not really friends anyway.

So here is what I've learned by 5:31 a.m.: 1) I need to delete people off my friend's list. 2) I may start doing video journals of my own. 3) Facebook is a way to offset boredom but that does not omit the fact that you are in my newsfeed every blessed day. 4) If I'm ever awake at 2 in the morning and am not asleep by 3, I will take some medicine, sick or not, so I can fall asleep.

Untitled

Unrequited emotion

Lack of reciprocity

Same message

And I just can’t seem to get through

It’s you that I sought

You that I wanted

I called, I text

And still no response

So I hopped in my car

Drove past your house

I just wanted to see if your car was there

Went by your job

They told me you were gone

I just wanted to say hi

I called, it rang twice

Then went to voicemail

Why are you ignoring me

And then I get that

Magical…

Text message

How romantic

Only to realize it was a forwarded message

That you got from one of yo friends

But my heart still skipped a beat

Cuz at least you remembered I still exist

TWO WEEKS LATER:

I wonder if he still likes me

I swear I thought we had something going

Granted you only respond to one text message a week

But at least you responded

You called me while I was in class

And of course I couldn’t answer

But at least you called

You know what…never mind

Fuck that and fuck you

I’m starting to lose myself in a possibility that never existed

I could’ve been your good thing

Your wake-up-in-the-morning-smiling-cuz-I’m-yours-queen

Your damn-I’m-having-a-bad-day-but-when-I-see-my-girl-it’ll-be-all-better

Know what I mean

But fuck it…its your loss

You probably couldn’t handle it anyway

UGH...

BEING SICK BLOWS!!!

I hate this feeling. I can't think straight. I can't breathe right. I wanna sleep all the time. Tea just ain't cuttin it. I hate liquid medicine but the tablets are WAAAAAYYYYY to expensive for a college student in a state that just went bankrupt so they decide to take away the money they give for higher education. {I hope they are getting ready for the influx of people that will either be entering the jail system or the billions of dollars that they lose because of shoplifting}. I just wanna disappear and it has more to do with being sick...

Enough is Enough

I AM TIRED!!!

I am more than exhausted and people are telling me that I'm not doing enough. Hmm...let's analyze this:

I have recently completed my schedule where I can visibly see what it is that I have to do. And upon completion I realized that I have 4 hours during the time that I am at school where I have nothing to do as opposed to the 42+ hours where I am either in class, discussion section, work, or in a meeting of some sort. It is utterly ridiculous that our community is so limited where you have the same people doing everything. As a black student at UCLA we are faced with so many obstacles that we try and tackle them all at the same time while neglecting our foundation. My saying is, "You can try and save the world if you want to, but if your home is falling apart, who is gonna help you achieve your goals?" TAKE CARE OF THE BASICS. We as a community are stretched until there is nothing left. And for a lot of people...they end up leaving the black community after being asked to plan this event for 200 people, be in this show, come volunteer for this thing, work here, don't fail your classes, go to office hours, make sure you study...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! So when people start to disappear or avoid you on the walk...I can now understand why.

DAMMIT...I am no one's superwoman...I too am human with human emotions and human capabilities. I can't be expected to do it all. No wonder I was depressed...this shit is fa real about to run me ragged.

Half-Time is in the Buildin!!!

laughin my ass off for writing this

I am a senior in college and I've been tryna figure out what I'm gonna do with my life after I graduate. And although I have legitimate plans, I lowkey want to be a rapper. But I've run into a few problems.

Granted: My alter ego got mad swag. And as soon as Tatyana Desire a.k.a. Hot Taty comes out, GAME OVER. I wanna be able to incorporate other rappers into my persona. So I decided I'ma channel Biggie by putting some type of food into my rhymes; I'ma be like Lil Wayne with the styrofoam cup but step my game up with a travel mug; but I also wanna be like Mos Def and spit some lyrical consciousness; be like Tupac with the contradicting rap persona.

Problem: My freestyle game ain't on point. So I would try and freestyle but can only come up with eight bars at any given time. Every now and then I would be able to spit ten bars but most recently, like yesterday, I was able to come up with 12 bars. So its progressively getting better. But I can never get to that 16 bars.

Solution: I'm gon be a part-time rapper...that's right, PART-TIME!! It's gon be so dope because now I have a gimmick. I'm only gon make half albums that have half songs. I'm gonna have half concerts in an arena where I sell out half the arena. And my stage name: HALF TIME!

I'm so DOPE!!

So here goes my latest rhyme:

The music is spiritual
My rhymes is lyrical
Feeding real shit
So you all can leave full
Part time rapper
I shine like the clapper
My flow so sharp
It'll leave ya soul on a platter
Full time lady
My style never shady
Yo man stepped to me
Can he get with me? Maybe...


laughin low key

My Most Recent Therapy Session...

And the epiphany is:

I AM AFRAID OF RELATIONSHIPS!!!

I was speaking with my therapist about my progression in two weeks since our last therapy session. In two weeks I have come out of the lowest point ever in my life and am currently making strides to heal myself by having healthy relationships. But the question was "how do I deal with relationships with the opposite sex?" And I told her how I prefer to ignore it all together. Then she informed me that my decision is one way to go or I can make calculated decisions and learn how to deal with the hurt that comes if I made a wrong decision. Its all about trial and error.

Yeah...so I guess I'm gonna be making some calculated decisions.