Dead End

If love was a street
You'd be a dead end
Not male bashing
But experience has no lies
So with my real eyes
I realize
Your real lies
And there was no surprise
Cuz you are just like the rest
But your dead end could never compare
To the two way street
He gave to me
So ur probably thinking
That I'm just speaking
And will find comfort
In the street that leads me nowhere fast
And you'll probably say
That some day
I'll find a way
To beautify the progressive deterioration
But you see
I found my two way street
I give to him
As much as he gives to me
Never a doubt in his mind
Or his heart
All that I have to offer
Is real
So as he and I cruise
Down this street of love
We pass a dead end
You know
Your end
The one I thought I could
Renovate
Maybe convert to a cul de sac
And increase the property value
Then my real eyes
Realized
That you were nothing more
Than a wasted investment

Pseudo-relationships: Why do I put myself through this?!?

I was bored at work when I decided to check out this funky fresh website, conveniently name thefreshxpress.com. While on this website I come across this article called "Deleting Him From my Phone". To summarize, the article basically is about this girl who has this "pseudo relationship" with this guy whom she lowkey has feelings for. They would have all aspects of a relationship without the title and full commitment of a relationship. Little did she know, this was all in her head. So as a symbolic gesture, she struggles with deleting him from her phone. Here's the article if anyone wants to read it in its entirety: http://thefreshxpress.com/?p=404.

Here's my dilemma...I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS. My goodness {chuckles to self}. I had to ask my best friend Joshua why this happens and he couldn't give me an answer. He usually has an answer for everything. (Sidebar: I didn't know how to feel; was I happy I left him speechless or frustrated that I left him speechless.) Any way, I have put myself in this situation a few times. To have this really great guy who you marginalize into the friend category only to repress the feelings you have for him or try to convince yourself that a romantic relationship could never happen. Either way, you are lying to yourself.

I am someone who takes pride in myself at all times. But I'm still human and as a human we must all deal with our insecurities or lack of knowledge and self assess. So here goes my assessment: I currently feel like I'm in this category. I purposely put myself in the "friend zone" with this guy I like(d) {still debating}. I have convinced myself this is the way things were meant to be, that being in a relationship would only complicate things. So the best idea would be to remain friends...further suppressing the truth and continuously lying to myself. And me being who I am will result to being passive aggressive when something doesn't go my way or that slight twinge of jealousy arises when you see something and think to yourself how much you want it to be you. {sidebar: as I write this, Jazmine Sullivan's Need U Bad comes on}. And the one thing that most girls will do is have sex with the guy after being put in the "friend zone". If you know your intentions with a guy is more than platonic, having sex with him would only further complicate the situation. You're probably thinking you're on your way to what you've always wanted and he's thinking it was casual sex between friends.

I question if me putting myself through this is solely my fault. Then I look at the second party involved and analyze his behavior. And from my perception, certain gestures are misleading in the "friend zone". For example: certain types of kisses, hand gestures, and side glances have tendency to mislead the female party involved. I don't want to dwell in the male perspective because for them its simple: "that's just the homegirl". But I just want to go on record saying that if she's just the homegirl...treat her as such. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Don't say or do one thing then turn around and your gestures exhibit a different idea that is counter to what was said earlier.

The sad thing about me realizing all of this is that I still don't know what to do in my current situation. Do I hope he reads this blog and know that I'm passively talking about him or blatantly tell him how I feel and hope a consensus on future relations is reached? I self analyzed but still have failed to come up with a solution much like the author of the article: Do I delete him from my phone or not? But it doesn't really matter if I have his number memorized...

A Sugary Sweet Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up and I wanted to make sure that those of you who need help picking up the opposite sex had pick up lines to learn from. Disclaimer: I am not responsible for responses that you receive when using these lines. ENJOY!!!


1. Yo daddy must be a terrorist cuz you the bomb.

2. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven.

3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

4. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again

5. Hi, I'm {insert your name here}
~big brother

6. You know, I got the whole dictionary tatooed on my penis. So why don't you come over later so I can put some words in your mouth
~ Eric S.

7. Well u must be tired cuz u been runnin through my mind all day
~my Bestest

8. Wait girl, where r ur wings, because u r definitely are an angel
~my Bestest

9. I want u to be the ying to my yang
~my Bestest

10. When God made you, he didn't break the mold... He put you on his trophy shelf.
~Joshy Poo

11. Are you from Tennessee cuz you're the only ten I see.
~ Christian

12. Can I check your tag? I wanna see if you were made in heaven.
~ Chris G.

13. Excuse me, you got a second I would like to introduce me. I'm BC I'd love to take you to my studi. Oh that's my room and tonight you be my roomie. And we could watch a movie, maybe watch TV. But the perfect night would be to listen to my CD. Before sleep we could do the 'oohwee' and hopefully your boy doesn't see it on his newsfeed... Haha
~ BC

14. Why do you look so sad? What can I do to make you glad?
~ Megan

15. If you were a booger...I'd pick you.
~ Mark J.

If only he knew...

What we had
I thought you treasured
They said
You were my guilty pleasure
But where we are
Now I can measure
That what we had
You never treasured

Never was your physical
Because I loved your personality
Could care less about status
Because I love your drive
Always undescribable
Your presence undeniable
Sometimes unreliable
Your love incompliable

Your lies left me hungry
Your jokes fed my soul
Your warmth kept me smiling
But your distance was so cold
I never knew anything
But always quite enough
Wanted to see the truth in you
But never called your bluff

My girls said
If you fuck him things might get better
Didn't wanna lie to myself
You always made me wetter
Reality drifted in
Because I'm supposed to see
Your presence in my life
Is much more deep

Or so I thought
I kinda feel played
I wanted you to be different
Nothing more than ideas I made
I've done all
That I can do
So at this point in my life
I wash my hands of you

a lover's haiku

Hmm, I want him to
Love me the way I would love
Me if I were him.

Broken

Have you ever been at a point in your life when everything was right? School is going well, your job is challenging but you manage to pull through day by day, week by week because there are people there who care and are willing to help? Only to turn around and discover that you have more support coming from outside your immediate family and it's actually those within your family who are contributing to your stress that leads to failure? Maybe its just me. But I've come to a point where I feel broken. Nothing seems to be right because your foundation is not what it should be. Those who set out to try and break your spirit consciously. It makes no sense why it should be that way. Those who are supposed to be your support system are consciously setting out to break your spirit and bring turmoil into a your space for peace. It's not fair. It's unheard of...essentially it's BULLSHIT. After years of self evaluation and making a conscious effort to be better mentally, spiritually, and physically. For someone to not take notice of the changes that you have made to be better and treat you as if you are still that same little girl you were in search of TRUE SELF. And finally when you think you have that, someone comes in and causes you to become that same little girl, unsure of herself, unsure of self worth, unsure of the changes that you thought were positive were positive at all. Is it not detrimental to my development to have those who are "family" be the same ones that make you feel like shit all the time? Then what defines family? Because these people that I'm living with can't possibly be it. Family is not supposed to make you feel like this.

Something told me...

I knew that as soon as I signed up for this blog, I would get so excited and want to publish a blog every week. Then...reality set it, ideas run low, and the motivation and inspiration that moved me to start this blog page would slowly diminish. So I didn't write the whole month of March and the majority of April for those reasons.

But in between my this and my last blog, I've realized my growth. And even the statement in of itself I feel is a step toward maturity when you realize how immature you used to be and are working to alleviate that. As for my age counterparts, I wish the same were true. The more immature I realize I was and the more I try to work and move away from that, the more I realize how those I considered close are just as immature. But am I wrong to say that I am actually quite happy I was able to move away from those people?!?!? And the person I'm referencing was someone I was really close to...or so I thought. Its amazing how much change can happen so quickly. Well maybe so much not the change, but when you realize it. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe she's a great person. However, I realize we are at two different places in our lives. I am strong enough to stand for what I believe in and still listen to reason. I now know how to be fair without a wavering position. My "frassociate"* as I like to call them, is unable to do so. And when I talk about myself being able to be reasonable, I mean moreso in the construct of a larger group. I am so aware of personal interest, however, when dealing with a larger group, you have to be able to reach a reasonable medium. And the more I do that, the more I realize that my "frassociate" is so easily swayed. Unless of course, it is within her personal interest. But as I move into my 21st year, I realize these are people who are younger than me and probably will go through the same reflections and realizations as me as they near their birthday. My only hope for them, and mainly this "frassociate" is that they are not locked in their ways and are open to being open and hearing reason.

*frassociate is a term I use to reference people in my life. I have come to realize that not everyone can be ur friend. I believe friend is a term that is overused simply out of convenience. So I have grouped the people in my life that most would refer to as "friend". I have associates who are people I have to deal with not by choice but still cordial with. I have friends. These are the people that no matter what happens are always there for me. So the term came about when I realized everyone wasn't grouped. And those who weren't grouped were those who fell between friend and associate: hence the term frassociate. These are people who I hang out with and actually like hanging out with, but are not in my life the way a friend should be.