[title to come later]

Sometimes I wake up

In the middle of the night

With you on my mind

And remnants of the memory that was

Cross my mind as something that could have been

Us sharing something so deep

That it’d be impossible to let go

All the cliché things that people do in a relationships

Acceptable forms of PDA…holding hands

Kissing under the moonlight

Holding me so tight that we become one

But as I envisioned us going deeper

You didn’t care to go deep enough

Only penetrating the surface

You couldn’t go deep enough

To touch my soul

You seeped into my skin

Left your mark on my memory

But left my soul untouched

So do I curse you or thank you?

Because the truth of the matter is

While you’ve effected me

You don’t affect me

Memories come a dime a dozen

But forever only comes once

So the memories transform into lessons

And the lessons shall lead into something so deep

That my soul is penetrated every time he touches me

My thoughts, his touch, and our emotion become one

[i'll finish it soon]

My PSA to parents

So as of lately, I have been in search of something to write about. Every so often I get the urge to write something or to speak something so profound that my words can be internalized and carried on so that if one person can spark an idea and make a change, then I can be content with my life's work and experience and move on. With all that being said, I couldn't find anything that I wanted to say...until last night.

Being Nigerian-American, I've realized that there are certain ideals that Nigerian parents instill in their kids. And depending on where you fall amongst your siblings determines what ideals your parents instill. If you are the eldest of your siblings, then you are cursed with the responsibility of being the "tester". Parents will experiment all their ideas of what it is to be a parent with you. Everything from rewards and discipline to what school you go to. Then when the next child comes along, they know what to work therefore possibly scarring the oldest one for life. Then the eldest child grows up possibly resenting his/her siblings over something that they had no control over.

Not only do they possibly scar the eldest one, but they also impose the concept of being surrogate parents, forcing the eldest child to teach the younger ones about their learning experiences and the things "mom and dad like and don't like you to do around and outside of the house." Once again, proclaiming yet another stigma that this child either rejects or embraces to the point where they may resent being a third parental figure when the age gap between siblings is no more than 4-5 years. (Nigerians are just as fertile as Mexicans...yeah I said it.)

So what's the purpose of this? I say all of this because this has been my experience. I don't get along with my sister because I honestly think she resents me for some reason unbeknown to me. When I tried to alleviate the problem, it only leads to more arguing and headache.

My recommendation: to all the parents with children, be careful of how you treat your kids, especially if you have more than one. Treat your kids the same way. If you yell at one child for not putting away the toys, make sure you yell at the other and you split the punishment. If you don't let one child go to sleep overs until they are 8, the other child can't go to a sleep over until they turn 8...regardless of who the parents are. Believe me when I tell you, children notice different treatments between siblings as young as age 4. Don't scar your children. It will only come back to bite you as they grow. Granted I don't have kids, but I remember what it was like growing up with sisters who received different treatment and leniency. And I have worked with enough kids to know they start going through emotional issues as young as the second grade. But nonetheless, you can take my advice with a grain of salt and just wait and see and deal with the potential fall out when it happens.

School Spirit Muthaf***as (pt.2)

Then you get to a low point in your life where you firmly believe that college was probably a waste of time. We could have been "drug dealing, just to get by. Stacking money til it get sky high...Cuz there ain't no tuition for havin no ambition and ain't no loans for sittin yo ass at home. So we're forced to sell crack, rap, and get a job..."

You keep it going man, you keep those books rolling,
You pick up those books your going to read
And not remember and you roll man.
You get that a associate degree, okay,
Then you get your bachelors, then you get your masters
Then you get your master's masters,
Then you get your doctorate,
You go man, then when everybody says quit
You show them those degrees man, when
Everybody says hey, you're not working,
Your not making any money,
You say look at my degrees and you look at my life,
Yeah i'm 52, so what, hate all you want,
But i'm smart, i'm so smart, and i'm in school,
And these guys are out here making
Money all these ways, and i'm spending mine to be smart.
You know why?
Because when i die, buddy, you know
What going to keep me warm, that right, those degrees

*quotations and music all quoted from Kanye West's College Dropout album

School Spirit Muthaf***as (pt.1)

Honestly, I bet this is how the majority of college students feel upon exit. If you weren't guaranteed a job or go straight into grad school, this skit from Kanye West's College Dropout is so fitting.

Now beat that
And your mothers sayin go to college
So you finish college and its wonderful
U feel so good
And after all the partying and crazing

And don't forget about that drug habit you picked up at school bein around your peers
Hey now you'll get that 25 thou job a year and
You'll spend all your money on crack cocaine, but it'll be your money
No more borrowin money from mom for my high
So now you get ur degree tattooed on your back your so excited about it
If u continue to work at the GAP, after several interviews, Oh my god!
You'll come in at an entry level position and when you do that
If u kiss enough ass, you'll move up to the next level
Which is being a secretary's secretary!
And boy is that great, you get to take messages for the secretary
Who never went to college
She's actually the boss' niece, so now you're a part of the family
You know what college does for you?
It makes you really smart man
All you kids want to talk in the back of the class not me, I listened, ok
I was a hall monitor, This was meant to be,
You know how many classes I took, extra classes extra classes
No I've never had sex but you know what, my degree keeps me satisfied
When a lady walks to me says "hey u know whats sexy?"
I say "no, I don't know what it is, but I bet I can add up all the change in your purse really fast."

Love vs. Lust

"If someone doesn't say "I love you" unless you're giving them something then its NOT love, its an emotional distraction so you don't see the fool you're being." This quote and recent events has inspired me in this blog.

I know why I choose to be single. I don't just jump when people ask me to jump. We are all looking for someone to love, and who will love us back. There is nothing wrong with this concept. As a matter of fact, we all deserve this. But this idea and the emotion that ensues takes time to develop.

Sometimes we get so caught up in emotion that we fall in love with the idea of love, we tend to forget to think thoroughly. There are people we have good times with, people we date whether casually or seriously, and those we marry. Take time to see what type of person that you are dealing with to know where you stand. Let's not confuse a good time with long lasting relationships.

Let's stop confusing lust for love...it only hurts us in the end because reality eventually sets in and slaps us in the face with the truth. If you decide that you don't deserve much, you won't get much and you can only blame yourself. It becomes so easy for us to blame others for our unhappiness or misfortunes, we forget to look inward and claim responsibility for the choices that we have made. If you happened to get drunk at my house, with the bottle of vodka I bought, at the end of the day you made a decision to take that shot. So lets elevate our standards and demand the best because we deserve nothing less. And once your standards are elevated, it should become more and more easier to say no to the things and people who are undeserving of your time, space, and energy.

So...if you are over the age of 21, its time to start actively reflecting on your life, your purpose, your goals, and the memory you want to leave people with. Its time to be responsible. Its an ongoing process, lesson and development. Acknowledging self-responsibility is the hardest thing any person can do, but once you've learned to this, you become more conscious of yourself and what's important to you and in your life.

Here comes my childhood

I had the most amazing day of my life yesterday. As we get older, I believe we hold on to the memories of our youth as if it were something of the past. Forgetting, that its okay to relive the events of our youth.

With that being said, I went to the park yesterday. Yes...the park. I had a picnic with my friend Eberechi before I had to make a speech at a scholarship award dinner. We had fruit, water, a blanket and music. Topped with tarot readings and good conversation. After the I made the speech, we went back to the park and did the unthinkable...we got on the swings.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am afraid of heights. So we're swinging...I got a little to high and it scared the shit out of me. I looked down realized that I was too high to jump and started screaming and laughing all at the same time. It was exhilarating and so reminiscent of my youth that I want to do it again. [So for any of you out there who would like to go play in the park...holla at me].

I'm going on the record to encourage everyone to do activities that you did when you were younger. Go to Chuck E. Cheese, play those quarter/one token games, and play in the ball pen. Go to the park, play on the swings, get a group of friends and play tag. I for one have decided to relive these events.

Transition

I recently went on an interview and ran into one of the worldly people I know. We talked about what I was up to and he said something to me that registered and summed up the last year of my life.

Since I've graduated, I felt like I've been on this search, yet didn't know what I was looking for. The person I ran into told me that I am in transition from youth to adulthood. I never realized that I was growing and transitioning until he said it to me. I have been going through things that adults deal with on a regular basis. I've been wondering why everything was against me. Only to understand that the only thing in my way was my perspective on what was taking place was to juvenile to deal with these adult matters.

For example, I haven't really worked in over a year. Yeah, I had a part time job for three months. but it wasn't enough to get by on. I was angry that I had a bachelor's degree and couldn't find a job worthwhile. I loved the work that I did, mainly because I enjoyed working with the kids. However, the work that was demanded of me was far to great for the pay that I was receiving.

Adult situation. I hear of people in these type of situations all the time. They somehow make it work for them until something better passes along. Then I realized we can't all start out at the top. We sometimes need to suffer and lose so that we can realize our worth and appreciate the things that we have. I am currently in a place where sometimes I feel like I've hit rock bottom. No money, no gas, can't do the things that I want, had to move back home with my mom, etc. For most people this is rock bottom. But my faith in God and the belief that no condition is permanent, therefore change will come has kept me afloat and kept me looking for a means to an end. And then to acknowledge my blessings. The fact that I woke up this morning is proof that another day means another opportunity to change my circumstance. The fact that my mom allowed me to move back home and not pay a thing. As a matter of fact my mom has been my rock. Paying for the things that I need, ie. car insurance and cell phone bill. The fact that I have people in my life you have been encouraging and upbeat, even when I haven't been.

I say all of this to those of you who are in the same, better, or worse position. Remember, no condition is permanent. You may be up today and at the bottom tomorrow, or vice versa. But life is a constant transition so appreciate the things you do have, change the things you don't, and never waver in your faith.